NAMM 2013: undocument Guest Post

Top Nine Unexciting, Uneventful or Just Plain Unloved Stuff at NAMM 2013

by: undocument


Every year, when the biggest musical convention in North America finally locks down their doors after four amazing days showcasing the newest, best, and most revolutionary products on the market, intrepid journalists worldwide create hundreds upon hundreds of well-written blog posts, insightful articles and precise insider reports to inform their interested readers about the most innovative musical products of the upcoming year.

This will not be one of those articles.

Instead I will bring you along on an adventure rarely shown in music convention related news: The seedy underbelly of the most disregarded people, places and things I could hunt down at NAMM 2013.

Let's get started with:

9. Rows and Rows of Sheet Music

The booth babes were two unused stunt doubles from Grumpy Old Men
Some people don't even bother checking out the sheet music and chord books, thinking that it's boring, uncool, and totally lame to even know how to read music.
We call these people Drummers.
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8. The Hard-Working Chefs of the Anaheim Convention Center

Manuel didn't spend four and a half years studying in Italy so you could ask for extra ketchup on your hot dog.

What? You think that Ham and Cheese Croissant just plastic wrapped itself? Hasn't Anthony Bourdain and Chef Boyardee taught you that cooks are people too? Very, very drunk people.

7. Keyboard Benches (Now With Sign!)

Don't even think about using them for just sitting and doing nothing...that's what a drum throne is for

Necessary for anyone who wants to play keyboard in the comfort of their home, but of course, some people can't be contained by a simple bench:
Roger is shown here doing his best Chang impersonation

6. Wood: It's What's For Dinner

It may seem obvious, but people don't often think about how their guitars, drums and pianos come from some of the finest maple, birch or mahogany on the planet in the same way they don't think a cow is statistically going to be their dinner tonight.
But these guys do.
Pictured: Another high stakes wood deal begins, and so does the stare down
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5. Passionate, yet Unappreciated, Performances

Take it to England, buddy, where they appreciate talent
Let's give a hand to all the countless product demonstrators playing their hearts out to two half-interested violin salesmen loudly trying to catch up from when they saw each other in the same booth last year.
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4. An Illuminating Display of Lamps

What? You don't like puns? They don't brighten your day?
Seriously, though, the Anaheim Convention Center sure has gotten a lot more classy.
(btw: Any serious record collector should be able to recognize that IKEA furniture anywhere. Although it would probably be filled with records, not lamps.)
The sad part is that nobody would sell me one of these

3. Nearly Insignificant Grammatical Mistakes

"Let's lose the Kraken!"

Some of the hidden gems of NAMM 2013 are indescribable, like the electricity in the air, the sounds of multi-million dollar deals going down, or a common misspelling on your promotional poster that entirely changes what you are trying to say.
Reading that mistake is like watching that bag from American Beauty float around.

2. Helpful Earplug Salesmen

Silently disapproving of my unprotected eardrums

Hats off to the men and women of NAMM with the thankless job of trying desperately to get you lousy musicians to wear some damn earplugs and prevent you from going deaf.
You wouldn't want to miss hearing a moment of this video, would you?
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1. Metronomes, Metronomes, and more Metromomes!

Reminds me of that old Spatula City advertisement
Metronomes: The most important keepers of time after clocks, watches, and the Bronze Dragonflight.
It's hypnotic: like a symphony orchestra made up entirely of drunk percussionists trying to play the main Comfortably Numb solo on woodblock.
Although this version seems to be in 163/76 time.
For More Information: Samwoo Industrial Co., Ltd.


I would like to take the time to thank all of the exhibitors, booths, performers, professional and amateur musicians and attendees that I have systematically ruined in the preceding article for my own personal profit. In actuality, everyone I met or came upon was extremely wonderful and I have only portrayed them in a (somewhat) humorous light because I am an unoriginal and untalented individual who doesn't have a single worthwhile thought in my head.

Special thanks goes out to Volterock for inspiring and hosting this article and Wayne Hays for allowing me to stop every five feet to take another stupid picture.

Be sure to check out my website, where I plan on posting another gripping tale of NAMM - filled with enough regurgitated information and caustic reviews that will certainly make you think that I must hate any and all types of music:

Editor's Note: undocument's debut album For Lovers, Dreamers & Non-Believers is available now.
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