Top Nine Unexciting, Uneventful or Just Plain Unloved Stuff at NAMM 2013
IntroductionEvery year, when the biggest musical convention in North America finally locks down their doors after four amazing days showcasing the newest, best, and most revolutionary products on the market, intrepid journalists worldwide create hundreds upon hundreds of well-written blog posts, insightful articles and precise insider reports to inform their interested readers about the most innovative musical products of the upcoming year.
This will not be one of those articles.
Instead I will bring you along on an adventure rarely shown in music convention related news: The seedy underbelly of the most disregarded people, places and things I could hunt down at NAMM 2013.
Let's get started with:
9. Rows and Rows of Sheet Music
|The booth babes were two unused stunt doubles from Grumpy Old Men|
We call these people Drummers.
For More Information: http://www.alfred.com/
8. The Hard-Working Chefs of the Anaheim Convention Center
|Manuel didn't spend four and a half years studying in Italy so you could ask for extra ketchup on your hot dog.|
7. Keyboard Benches (Now With Sign!)
|Don't even think about using them for just sitting and doing nothing...that's what a drum throne is for|
Roger is shown here doing his best Chang impersonation
6. Wood: It's What's For DinnerIt may seem obvious, but people don't often think about how their guitars, drums and pianos come from some of the finest maple, birch or mahogany on the planet in the same way they don't think a cow is statistically going to be their dinner tonight.
But these guys do.
|Pictured: Another high stakes wood deal begins, and so does the stare down|
For More Information: http://us.fsc.org/
5. Passionate, yet Unappreciated, Performances
|Take it to England, buddy, where they appreciate talent|
For More Information: http://www.konaguitars.com/
4. An Illuminating Display of LampsWhat? You don't like puns? They don't brighten your day?
Seriously, though, the Anaheim Convention Center sure has gotten a lot more classy.
(btw: Any serious record collector should be able to recognize that IKEA furniture anywhere. Although it would probably be filled with records, not lamps.)
|The sad part is that nobody would sell me one of these|
3. Nearly Insignificant Grammatical Mistakes
|"Let's lose the Kraken!"|
Reading that mistake is like watching that bag from American Beauty float around.
For More Information: http://www.referencelaboratory.com/
2. Helpful Earplug Salesmen
|Silently disapproving of my unprotected eardrums|
You wouldn't want to miss hearing a moment of this video, would you?
For More Information: http://www.macksearplugs.com/
1. Metronomes, Metronomes, and more Metromomes!
Reminds me of that old Spatula City advertisement
It's hypnotic: like a symphony orchestra made up entirely of drunk percussionists trying to play the main Comfortably Numb solo on woodblock.
Although this version seems to be in 163/76 time.
For More Information: Samwoo Industrial Co., Ltd.
I would like to take the time to thank all of the exhibitors, booths, performers, professional and amateur musicians and attendees that I have systematically ruined in the preceding article for my own personal profit. In actuality, everyone I met or came upon was extremely wonderful and I have only portrayed them in a (somewhat) humorous light because I am an unoriginal and untalented individual who doesn't have a single worthwhile thought in my head.
Special thanks goes out to Volterock for inspiring and hosting this article and Wayne Hays for allowing me to stop every five feet to take another stupid picture.
Be sure to check out my website, where I plan on posting another gripping tale of NAMM - filled with enough regurgitated information and caustic reviews that will certainly make you think that I must hate any and all types of music: www.undocumentmusic.com.
Editor's Note: undocument's debut album For Lovers, Dreamers & Non-Believers is available now.